Humorous Bumper Stickers

Just a Few of My 8 Billion Bumper Sticker Lines

Windmill Chaser Yeah, there's a pill for that. Ready, set, vegetate. Peace is overrated. Please join me in suing the Government. Expletive-Riddled Tirade Really weird idea: get an empty plastic bottle and fill it with tap water. Ever had a crayon omelette? Missing the whole point of going to a strip club, Ned took off his clothes. I walk under ladders holding black cats. Luckily, I planned ahead for lean times: got me a storage shed plump full a' candy. Amateur Neurosurgeon I am officially no longer an optimist. Oh, to be 80 again. I just took a paradigm shit. NASCAR: the ultimate reason to waste gas. Sex, drugs and sex n' drugs. Murchison hoped against hope no one would see him rearranging the library shelves and card catalog. "Comfortable" and "bike seat" go together like "compassionate" and "conservatism." I like the pot calling the kettle green. Damn straight I'm gay. Apparently, vitamins are the only universal health care we'll ever see. I can't wait till we win the War on Terror. How many innings is it? Vegetarian sexual harrassment: "Nice rutabagas!" Have you had your high fructose corn syrup today? I knit. And, I hate it. Take it to the next level: eat compost. Just say no to cliches. I strained my andromeda. I chase dreams for exercise. Honk if you believe in noise. I practice dodging meteorites. Save time: meditate while you drive. We don't need leaders with peace of mind. We need leaders with minds for peace. Let it be known: I have absolutely no problem with scantily-clad women. I like to yodel in libraries. I have a tattoo on my nose. Don't overlook the obviouus. Try visualizing a positive checkbook balance. (I couldn't do it, either.) Whatever happened to pogo sticks? I've forgotton how to buy things with cash. In case of catastrophe, count to 10, then freak out. Dang-it: nothing happened to me in Vegas that needed to stay there. I can't even lead a horse to water, let alone make him drink. I collect lozenges. If you don't have 4 dogs, you ain't livin'. Being a vegetarian helps me pick up chicks. A tattoo artist's worst nightmare: misspelligs Man, I'd love to be an ape: all the bananas you can eat, plus it's cool to fling poo at everybody. My baby done left me. Thank God I'm a polygamist. Have faith: we're screwed. Any drugs found in this vehicle are my ex-roomate's. Just remember: without nerds, there wouldn't be any geeks. I've read the Bible zero times. A Wind is a Terrible Thing to Maste My city ran out of water. That's why I'm moving to yours. The Govenment wouldn't allow junk food if it wasn't good for you. Lane-Changers Anonymous Waiter, there's a terrorist in my soup! Sorry I cut you off. It's been a bad decade. Passport for rent. Inquire within. Is Jesus's middle initial really "H"? Intergalactic Realty Specialist Domesticate Wildlife When in doubt, doubt. I super-glued my navel shut. Big mistake. I love the sound of a rubber glove snapping in the morning. America: Built for Greed Devout Deviant May I buy you a drunk? Don't call me fat. Call me abundant. I wear bandaids for no reason. I catch and release deer. Oil is truly the opiate of the gases Since when isn't chocolate a meal? I don't go to church. I go to poker. Freedom was so cool, wasn't it? I can't see the forest for the chainsaws Itches are God's way of testing how far you'll go to scratch in public I've got to race like a peehorse! Stairway to Leaven Bakery I've finally got my dogs using the toilet, but I'll be damned if I can get 'em to flush. Lynch Racism The Chili Association of America: "No Mild Left Behind" Have you ever considered a comb-over? Anyone need a kitten? My favorite recipe: beer. I play Tortilla Golf That's the last dog I teach to drive! Isn't there some way we can tax the Government? I blame environmental toxins for all my poor decisions. There's a mathod to my medness. I prefer the Caste System. Save gas: check your tire pressure hourly. I stalk corn. I may be mired in debt, but at least I have a really low-paying job. My other car is your car! Licensed Bullshitologist Driver is allergic to arrogant bastards Hey, at least I walk to my car. Pardon my drooling. I got a triple-digit IQ: 87.4 Got Milked? Jaked as a Naybird My life has become a constant wedgie. Will play video games for food. For Creationists, global warming isn't the problem. It's the solution. My child made the honor roll at our homeskule. China: powered by Wal*Mart Fat the Whuck? I bitch for exercise. We need a National Day of Disgrace Leeches suck. Shoot your scale. I don't think the CIA's all that intelligent. Mind if I cut you off? Notice: driver never carries more than $250,000 Expletive Aficionado Neoconvict I converted my car to run on hype. Dogs are God's way of reminding us that we have absolutely no control over anything. AMERICA: No Face Left to Save Another day, another doohickey Drop trou, not bombs Pray for obscene wealth Paper cut survivor Potluck Chaser I'm with Ned. HLEP! There may not be life on other planets, but you know there's a Starbucks. I gave this poor guy a fish. He devoured it. Then, he asked me to teach him how to fish. I declined. We got married at a Circle K. It was convenient. My name is Jimmy Crackcorn, and I really don't care. "Crooked Politician": isn't that redundant? Do skunks think WE stink? What's the altitude of Heaven? Driver is lactating. A waist is a terrible thing to mind What if an Okie from Muskogee met a Gypsy from Poughkeepsie? Feel free to use my lottery numbers: 2, 11, 16, 25, 33 & 47. Obnoxiously wealthy oil executives have feelings, too. Legageddon Zit, nit and guitar picker. Don't Drink and Derive Defeat the IRS: don't earn any money. God, I hope it's not gingivitis! I carry a concealed weapon: my mind. What if quail had shotguns? Brotherhood of Panhandlers Local #715 9 teeth and proud. Remember: Endangered Species can't be endangered if they're extinct. My Bible is THE CONSTITUTION Burgess, why must you ream your nostrils in public? You could use a face transplant. If God had wanted us to breathe clean air, He wouldn't have given us the automobile. I meant to work out, but decided to have a meal instead. Caution: driver has agitated cat on head. Everything's porn, porn, porn, sex, sex, sex. Is the Internet great or what?! My arteries may be clogged, but it sure was fun getting there. I put my faith in Gawd. Don't mess with me. I'm a fugitive. Eclairvoyants sense dessert Have you seen my chuckwalla? Liberate the Constitution! Shoes and bicycles are the ultimate forms of alternative energy. I actually use my glove compartment JUST to store gloves. My taxes invade other countries. Candace, please pass the tripe. Pave the World Divide and Con quer Welp, it finally happened: casinos outnumber libraries. My blank has gone mind. 47-year-old baby on board. Living in the there and then sure beats living in the here and now. I only date women who love to shop. Dear hitchhikers: feel free to hop in the trunk. If only we were as rich as our leaders are corrupt... Just had my colonoscopy! Vegetables suck! Proud Card-Carrying Heathen Mind if I gnash my teeth? I bought my husband on eBay Marriages I was a doormat for the bulls in Pamplona. Have a bitchen day Republicans are "Corruptlicans" Driver is not drunk, just disillusioned. If I'd a' wanted a fascist government, I'd a' moved to China. I thought a "chimichanga" was something you put a leash on. Orgy Aficionado Snake Oil Salesman Pray for the Separation of Church and State I think my philately is stuck in your numismatics. Things are not as they seam. Bush: 0-for-1 in wars, 0-for-FOREVER in everything else. I'm suing the Food Network for making me fat. Architects create intelligent design. Don't be in such a hurr I got a great 90-year mortgage! Driver only carries credit cards. Of the crooks, By the crooks, For the crooks... If you're so against abortion, why aren't you adopting? Tolerate Lactose Visualize Revolution Bare ass to the White House Mind if I hock a loogie? I say it's high time for a panty raid! Recovering Neocon Bist on a Chricycle What if P. Diddy changed his first name to "Absur"? I crammed corn into my gas tank and all I got was popcorn. My mind is a bed, and you're in it. When in doubt, shoot. It works for Cheney. KEEP illegal aliens. EXILE illegal politicians. Bring back second-hand smoke. I'd take a hickey over a tattoo any day. How's my swerving? Debt is the opiate of the masses. Lard Connoisseur Imagine my fingernails on your chalkboard. Coming to a bookstore near you: "American Colonoscopy: The Bush Years" Moonshiners Local #308 I need my mood altered. I'm retired. My new career is gaining weight. Walk stickly and carry a big soft. Boned Again My cup runneth over with Rove. Keith Richards is my Personal Savior Peace, Love & Nuclear Weapons Expect the Unexpucted I'm opening a chain of slow food restaurants. Greed kills. Free Radical Call me crazy, but I like being illegally spied upon. I bowl in nothing but a thong. What about "The Founding Mothers?" Serendipity Doo-Dah I hunt hummingbirds with a blowgun. I love taking pictures of cameras. Have hammer. Will nail. Why don't they offer Lipitor as a pizza topping? I may not be Gay, but I respect 'em. Lynch intolerance! One Good Another Deserves a Turn Plant more trees. Cut 'em down. Conserve rational thinking. Compassionate Conniver I don't know if I'm an agnostic or not. Lobbyists are just like cockroaches, only less useful. Build it and they will corrupt it. Covert CIA Operative Forgive my driving, but I have 5 pets in the car. Dracula Sucks Those who can, play hockey. Those who can't, play soccer. I'd rather be running naked through the White House. Clone Clone Clone Clone Clone Metikulus Powerless and Proud Internal Revenue Satan My music's louder than your horn. Only two things are certain: debt & taxes. ReinCarnation Ice Cream It's odd, but watching DVD's makes me miss rewinding tapes. Screw Celibacy It occurs to me that the man behind the Nobel Peace Prize invented dynamite. Remember when driving was the main thing you did in a car? Billionaires for Tax Reform Time to head back to Walden Pond Why cure cancer when you can annihilate another country instead? My Holy Book is THE CONSTITUTION. I believe in Bush, Cheney, Rove, Wolfowitz and the Tooth Fairy. I Really Admire Quagmires WMD = We Mean Democracy Iraq: "The Passion of the Bush" Darfurgotten Heck yeah, I feel safer...........on vodka. Formerly Proud American Freedom is fueled and sustained by PEACE, damnit. Take Me to Your Liter. Clone OIL My other car is out of gas. A Wind is a Terrible Thing to Maste Psychic in Training: I sense you are behind me. The Department of Civil Liberty Abatement Yes Virginia, we are permanently screwed. Research Researcher Liberate Freedom! I'll start saving for retirement when you lose some weight. God, all that war and still no oil? Baghdead + Baghdebt = Baghdamned I vote for extinction. Make Love AND War See me about Hostage Insurance. What good are bombs if you don't use them? Burp for Peace Do chickens think everything tastes just like them? If Oprah married Deepak, she'd become Oprah Chopra. PEACE is boring. I can't see the forest for the beers. If democracy falls in the middle of a desert, will anyone know it? Pretty soon you'll only be able to smoke while hang-gliding. Top o' the Global Warmin' Mornin' to ya. The Patriot Act doesn't bother me. We've got too many freedoms as it is. Who needs Social Security when you've got homeless shelters and food banks? I liked it much better when Bush just terrorized ONE STATE. WARNING: eating too much fish may turn you into a thermometer. If WOMEN were the leaders, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY WAR. Sure glad we didn't waste a trillion dollars on peace, love and understanding. Only dopes don't vote. Or, they vote Republican. How to get even with illegal immigrants: sneak into THEIR country. PEACE is for WIMPS What's the big deal about the ENVIRONMENT, anyway? We OWN the sucker. What if GOD is on EVERYBODY'S side? Air pollution is no big deal if you only take shallow breaths. George W. Bush: The Evangillogical President How can you be both Pro-Life AND Pro-War? Dick Cheney: a wolf in shark's clothing. Where do I apply for The Revolution? I'm chober as a surch mouse. Wuck Far BITCHSTRONG When in More, do as the Morons do. Have a Fearful Day Thanks for the tax cut, Mr. President. I got a new toaster!!! Iraq is NOT about the oil. And, hurricanes AREN'T about the weather. Here's a copy of my health insurance policy: "Hope my family stays well." Just say "NO" to embryonic stem cell research, and "YES" to Parkinson's & Alzheimer's. Iraq: "The Democratic Jewel of the Middle East" I'm ovulating. I have a pit bull AND a pet bull. My bicycle gets killer mileage. Since when did The Ten Commandments replace The Bill of Rights? Pay pro athletes what teachers make; pay teachers what pro athletes make. Dubya, swagger on back to Crawford and brand some animals. Say it right: NUKE-YOU-LER Driver carries large bills and an even larger Taser. I'll drive my car until it runs out of gas. Then, I will calmly walk away. Don't ban Gay marriage. Ban ALL marriage. Save for retirement? Hell, I'm savin' for GAS! ALASKA: "Come visit before we melt." It's finally happened: Wal*Crosoft Thou Shalt Not Cross the Religious Right The real reason Bush is against abortion: it compromises troop strength. Lonesome call of the Yiddish cowboy: "Yippee-Yi-Yo-Ki-Yay-Oy-Vey!" Iraqatrina How Now Mad Cow Draft beer, not kids. Dick Cheney: truly putting the "vice" in Vice President. How do you spell Bush? N-I-X-O-N SUV: Suddenly Undesirable Vehicle Need a job? Move to India. How 'bout we eat whatever we want: "Don't worry, be fatty." SUPERSIZE = SUPERTHIGHS The new one-armed bandit is the gas pump. It's so weird. I actually read a book. Has anyone seen The Middle Class lately? I get buff with BarryBondsterone® My child made the honor role at Video Game Magnet School HOMEBUILDERS for Environmental Sanity: "You can't build a house out of birds." Gas-saving tip#9: always try to drive downhill. The dyslexic version: Hit Shappens. Iraq: The Star-Spangled Bungle THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINE CORPSE. Fishermen Praise Cod Evangelicals for Evolution The world has just come to an end: the first case of "Mad Beer Disease" is confirmed. I like to call doctors' offices and ask if THEY'D mind holding. Sure I have seat belts in my trunk, but don't let that scare you. GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS: "We bet you can quit gambling." I suffer from PMS: Playoff Mood Swings Has anyone seen my checkbook balance? I'm warred out. Morally bankrupt and proud. Driver carries no illicit drugs. ihatespacebars Pick one: ___Shit ___Go Blind A tough sentence is handed down in Recycle Court: "Surrender your cans!" Thee ultimate compliment: "She's a Cloner!" If an ATM appears in the forest, will the animals use it? The IRS uses tax-sniffing dogs. Mail-In Rebateologist What if we only ate healthy foods and took junk food supplements? If we outlaw guns, what about the ensuing population explosion? It's been a tipped-outhouse kind of day. WARNING: car dumps fuel when stolen. www.BuildYourOwnNuclearWeapons.com All paths to joy, success and happiness pass through Monday. OK, I wear fur, BUT only from animals I've personally killed. Thank God for Spell Chack. Car thieves: you're not just stealing my car. You're stealing my HOME. Fill your swimming pool with gas. An illegal immigrant stole my $5-an-hour custodial job. If you give tax cuts to the poor, they'll get uppity. Pray for Gas Spay and Neuter Your Fish COUNT HACKULA: sucking the blood out of cyberspace. The problem with George W. Bush is that the little head does all the thinkin'. It's the one on his shoulders. I will give up my SUV when they pry it from my cold dead fingers. I accept suspicious packages from strangers at airports. I'm suing my company for providing the computer that got me fired. Spray Prozac over the Middle East. True moderation is using deodorant under one arm. Card-carrying HEATHEN PEACE in the Middle East will coincide with the end of death & taxes. I discriminate against bigots. The FBI had more credibility when that guy in the dress was in charge. I owe my third eye to genetically altered corn. Use terrorists for product testing I'm cloned, therefore I was. I juth love my new tongue thtud Good news for the sleep-deprived: insomniacs never die in their sleep. The Religious Right is fundamentally wrong. My other car is a thumb. Leave only bombprints... Pray for the separation of Church and State Newter Gingrich There's more to life than Nature. I trust the Government as far as I can throw it. I'm a Right-to-Quality Lifer Oilaska! The Bush problem-solving construct: solutions don't solve problems. Problems do. How about injecting baseballs with steroids? My health care provider comes in 12-ounce cans. The ultimate moral dilemma: 10-second firearm trigger delay. I even brake for religious zealots. What if we run out of air before we run out of oil? What Intelligent Entity would knowingly design a George W. Bush? Cram your agenda up your rearenda Rock, paper, scissors. Constitution, Bible, politicians. (Headloon) Missed "high five" sends man over cliff (Headloon) Researchers Research Research Researchers (Headloon) Golfer's perfect 18 questioned (Headloon) Leprechaun reports Lock Ness Monster sighting ASTEROIDS: the best-ever excuse not to diet. Teach your pets ABSTINENCE "NEVER HAPPEN LIST": Middle East Peace. Zero Card Balance. Mor Patienc. Man, I hope there's no such thing as second-hand cholesterol. The ultimate bravado: smoking lard-dipped cigarettes Do unto others as you would have them do unto your pets I HATE TRAFFIC...even though I'm creating it. A little ignorance goes a long weigh. Women are from Venus. Men don't care. I'm just an oxymoron searching for meaning. It's not always just about the money. It's about rare gems & real estate. Take time to stop and smell the websites. "Decycling": buying goods solely to throw them away. I don't wear a seat belt, but I DO wear sunscreen. If it's broke, still don't fix it. (Headloon) Court forces gynecologist to accept male patients (Headloon) TERRORISTS HIJACKED! We're just not on the same lavewength Blatantly Unqualified to Serve Humanity "shitistics": faulty or purposely misleading stats compiled by a "shitistician." Luckily, I like a little extra mercury with my air. I drive a Global Warmer Heck yeah, I feel sssssafer! Peace is truly hard work. Arrogance is not. HSUBKCUF Darwin Rocks The Patriot Act: making us safer from Freedom My President went to Iraq and all I got was this lousy coffin. Iraq: great investment. I drink biodiesel My God kicks your God's ass. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's country. I'm a Rocket Scientologist United States Freedom Spreader I share the road with right-wing dipshits. Have a nice dump. Apackalies Now Satan had a son and named him Karl Rove. Will drink beer for food. The ill-prepared grasshopper should just eat the ant.
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